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Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my private and professional life. It annoys my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay concise and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to reduce the constant apologizing. I’ve read that professional help might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as holding yourself back. You know it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-esteem can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and worry.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This approach will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward growth.