The Words shared by A Parent Which Rescued Me as a First-Time Father

"I think I was just just surviving for the first year."

Former reality TV star Ryan Libbey anticipated to cope with the difficulties of becoming a dad.

Yet the reality rapidly proved to be "completely different" to what he'd imagined.

Severe health complications around the birth saw his partner Louise hospitalised. Abruptly he was forced into becoming her main carer as well as looking after their infant son Leo.

"I took on every night time, each diaper… every walk. The job of mother and father," Ryan shared.

After nearly a year he reached burnout. It was a chat with his father, on a public seat, that made him realise he couldn't do it alone.

The simple words "You aren't in a good spot. You must get support. How can I assist you?" created an opening for Ryan to express himself truthfully, look for assistance and start recovering.

His story is commonplace, but rarely discussed. While society is now better used to addressing the stress on mums and about postpartum depression, far less attention is paid about the struggles dads face.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to seek assistance

Ryan feels his struggles are linked to a broader inability to open up among men, who continue to hold onto harmful notions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the harbour wall that just takes the pounding and stays upright every time."

"It's not a show of failure to request help. I failed to do that quick enough," he adds.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert specialising in mental health surrounding childbirth, notes men frequently refuse to admit they're finding things difficult.

They can think they are "not a legitimate person to be requesting help" - particularly in preference to a mum and baby - but she highlights their mental well-being is equally important to the family.

Ryan's conversation with his dad offered him the opportunity to ask for a respite - spending a few days overseas, outside of the home environment, to gain perspective.

He came to see he had to make a change to consider his and his partner's emotions as well as the logistical chores of taking care of a new baby.

When he shared with Louise, he saw he'd overlooked "what she needed" -reassuring touch and hearing her out.

'Parenting yourself

That insight has transformed how Ryan views parenthood.

He's now writing Leo regular notes about his feelings as a dad, which he aspires his son will look at as he gets older.

Ryan believes these will enable his son better understand the vocabulary of emotional life and make sense of his approach to fatherhood.

The notion of "self-parenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since having his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

When he was young Stephen did not have consistent male a father figure. Despite having an "incredible" bond with his dad, deep-held trauma meant his father struggled to cope and was "in and out" of his life, affecting their connection.

Stephen says bottling up feelings caused him to make "bad decisions" when younger to modify how he was feeling, seeking comfort in alcohol and substances as escapism from the anguish.

"You turn to substances that don't help," he explains. "They may short-term modify how you are feeling, but they will eventually exacerbate the problem."

Advice for Coping as a New Father

• Open up to someone - if you're feeling swamped, confide in a trusted person, your other half or a therapist about your state of mind. This can to lighten the load and make you feel more supported.
• Keep up your interests - make time for the activities that allowed you to feel like the person you were before having a baby. Examples include exercising, meeting up with mates or playing video games.
• Don't ignore the physical stuff - a good diet, staying active and if you can, getting some sleep, all play a role in how your emotional health is doing.
• Meet other first-time fathers - sharing their journeys, the challenges, along with the joys, can help to put into perspective how you're experiencing things.
• Know that seeking help is not failure - prioritising your own well-being is the optimal method you can look after your household.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen understandably found it hard to accept the loss, having not spoken to him for a long time.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's committed not to "repeat the pattern" with his own son and instead give the security and emotional guidance he did not receive.

When his son starts to have a tantrum, for example, they try "shaking the feelings out" together - expressing the feelings in a healthy way.

Each of Ryan and Stephen state they have become better, healthier men due to the fact that they confronted their issues, transformed how they express themselves, and figured out how to manage themselves for their children.

"I am now more capable of… processing things and managing things," says Stephen.

"I wrote that in a letter to Leo the other week," Ryan shares. "I expressed, sometimes I feel like my purpose is to guide and direct you on life, but the truth is, it's a two-way conversation. I am understanding just as much as you are in this journey."